Just got off a long skype with mom today, normally i always talk to mom on skype and hardly with dad. So mom say that dad have something to say to me today, I had a bad feeling…i thought something bad gonna happen but I don’t know what, well he was just asking how am I doing, have I eaten dinner, am I having holidays now…I just normally answer all the questions, just thought that I have over-think too much and maybe dad just missed me. For those who doesn’t know, I am more close to mom and doesn’t have much topic to say with dad so we don’t normally spend time to speak so much on skype, to me it is a normal thing, but for dad to come speak to me today is not normal at all.
When dad say ‘ok, you’ll speak to mom now.’ mom was standing beside and whispering to dad:’ hey say it!’
and dad was like ‘no, it’s ok, you tell her.’
Another feeling there is a knot in the stomach. Dad left and mom come back in front of the screen.
She looked at me and say, ‘Mel, you’re dad is sick.’
I was like ‘what sick?’
Mom answered:’He has cancer.’
At that moment, emotions overflooded, flashes of memories of all the person I had known of having cancers passed by my mind, and most of all FEAR.
Fear of death, fear of loosing dad, fear of not able to be there, fear of I am so fucking far away and I can’t even be there or do anything about it. I literally cried in front of the screen and keep on crying, mom was crying with me also, we were both crying for 10-20 minutes without words.
Mom started: ‘Don’t worry we will take care of him, dad say actually we shouldn’t say anything to you, not to worry..but i know it’s not fair for you.’
I was like ‘of course, it’s not fair, you must say something to me.’
I asked again, ‘when do you know about the result?’
Mom replied last week. I asked mom what’s the stage, is it harmful, what’s next and many related questions and mom explained. Next week dad will go do chemotherapy in the hospital.
Cancer is the most sensitive thing in my family, my aunt passed away with the same sickness few years ago and now is my dad, I can’t even bare to think of that because is just a torture to know that this thing could kill. I really hope that he will be ok. I thought to myself, is God punishing me? Am I not behaving well and he is punishing me for that? Did I do something wrong and something so dreadful happened? I have no idea and I am fucking scared. Most of all, I am fucking far and I want to go home. I don’t know what else I can do anymore. Mom said I should just skype more and speak to dad more, but I know is not the same at all and I will surely regret if I didn’t spend time with dad. All these years, no matter how terrible our relationship is, he is still my only dad and I love him for that. I still couldn’t believe my own ears for the news I have just heard. Is too difficult to understand.
Dear God, please tell me what just happened? Please punish me not my dad, loosing him is more devastated than anything about myself. Please heal him, not letting him to suffering, please take away that cancer. Please…just please!!!
